There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
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