My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
