Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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