lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
