I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
