dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
