and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dicks are not precious.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
