You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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