I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
