I smell stomach acid.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
