I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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