So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
