Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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