I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize