be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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