Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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