hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize