In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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