I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
