Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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