seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
