Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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