there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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