My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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