my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
