Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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