I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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