Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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