Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
