I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
