you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Let's get the cat blown out
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
