i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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