Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
