I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
