A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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