my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
