If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
