I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
