All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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