My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
