Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
