I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you win again, gameday.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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