if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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