she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
