Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
