4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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