he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
