When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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