So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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