I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
