Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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