did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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