So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
