walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Nobody cheats on THIS.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
