now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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