1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
