I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
