I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize