I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
