I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
