my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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