if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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