if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize