I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She bit a glass in half.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
