I'm eating all of the evidence.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
